how to blow an election in six easy steps:
Many Bush supporters are dumbfounded as to how such a well-oiled machine has suddenly lost a gear or two on the last lap of this race. It comes as no surprise to me. See, Karl Rove mapped out a sure-fire way to blow this election in six easy steps.
Here they are:
1. “Mission Accomplished”
On May 1, 2003, President Bush did something no other sitting president had ever done (not even the ones who actually saw combat!): he co-piloted a fighter jet to land on the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln where a red, white and blue banner declared “Mission Accomplished” in Iraq.
Less than 150 U.S. soldiers had lost their lives in Iraq at the time Bush made the bold gesture.
As of the time I write this, 1,111 American soldiers and 68 British troops have been killed in Iraq along with an estimated 100,000 civilians.
2. The Debate Debacle
If any good came of this year’s presidential debates, it’s that Bush was exposed – AGAIN – for being the thoughtless, bumbling, shortsighted, unprepared, grimacing dolt of a president most of us already knew.
The mere fact that his handlers regarded it a success that he was able to keep up with Kerry by the third debate is more telling than anything else.
As near as I can tell from Dubya’s own words, being president is “hard work.” He reminded us of that 11 fucking times in the first debate.
And then he pouted. And pouted. And pouted.
Joke all you like about it, Mr. President, but you came off looking like the unprepared frat boy you are.
“Goodbye, cushy lead . . . “
3. When in doubt . . . call ‘em a liberal!
It’s sort of funny, really. For the past 20 years, the easiest and cheapest shot a Republican can take is to “expose” a Democrat’s liberal record.
It’s laughable, because most people are moderate. And, according to the uber-righties who sit at the foot of King Cheney’s throne know, if you are not all the way to the right then you must be squashed like a grape!
Unless you’re his gay daughter. Then you must leave her alone.
Busting out “the L word” is truly a gasping effort from a stumbling campaign. Hate to break it to you, all you narrow minded uber-righties (which makes up only a small percentage of conservatives), people are moderate. Yeah, they want lower taxes, but they don’t mind if the gay couple next door is married in the eyes of the law. And oh yeah, it’s the Democrats – not the Republicans – who are fighting the battle to protect privacy and civil liberties.
It’s 2004. Have we not yet realized that it doesn’t have to be a mono-culture? Isn’t it time to put away the “all liberals are evil” silliness?
4. Halliburton, and other delights
In the wake of the phony war in Iraq, Halliburton – right on schedule – was awarded no-bid contracts to rebuild the nation we just bombed. Remember where Dick Cheney worked before the Supreme Court appointed him Vice President? Yep, Halliburton.
The Republican Party isn’t even trying to hide their tracks anymore.
Just today, the FBI announced it’s probing the contracts.
You mean to tell me Dubya and Co. made sure their friends were taken care of? Get out of here!
5. Switch enemies mid-stream
After 9/11, Osama Bin Laden was Public Enemy #1. By the next State of the Union address, Saddam Hussein was elevated to the “axis of evil.” Huh? What?
Suddenly, Iraq (not Osama) was the prime target. Since then, we did capture Saddam. But the man who bombed the United States remains at large. And new enemies are gaining in popularity by the day (Zarqawi).
So let me get this straight: Osama kills 3,000 Americans and we go after the Fredo of the Middle East? Yeah, that makes sense.
6. When in doubt, make shit up!
Make no mistake, Bush wanted this war. But it’s not like he would mislead the American public into garnering support. Or is it?
Bush said Iraq was an imminent threat to the U.S. because it:
Had Weapons of Mass Destruction
Had Ties to Al Qaeda
Was involved in bombing us on 9/11
Since the topple of Baghdad, since “mission accomplished,” since Nick Berg, Daniel Pearl, and too many other names to list here were beheaded, coalition troops have:
NOT found WMD
NOT found ties to Al Qaeda
NOT found evidence of a link between Iraq and 9/11
In short, Bush is batting 0-for-3.
He lied.
He engineered intelligence to get his war and people were killed as a result.
Lots of blood on your hands, Mr. President.
The question should not be Why is this race tied? It should be: Why isn’t John Kerry kicking his ass?
Good question.
I suppose we’ll see how it plays out on Tuesday.
Here they are:
1. “Mission Accomplished”
On May 1, 2003, President Bush did something no other sitting president had ever done (not even the ones who actually saw combat!): he co-piloted a fighter jet to land on the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln where a red, white and blue banner declared “Mission Accomplished” in Iraq.
Less than 150 U.S. soldiers had lost their lives in Iraq at the time Bush made the bold gesture.
As of the time I write this, 1,111 American soldiers and 68 British troops have been killed in Iraq along with an estimated 100,000 civilians.
2. The Debate Debacle
If any good came of this year’s presidential debates, it’s that Bush was exposed – AGAIN – for being the thoughtless, bumbling, shortsighted, unprepared, grimacing dolt of a president most of us already knew.
The mere fact that his handlers regarded it a success that he was able to keep up with Kerry by the third debate is more telling than anything else.
As near as I can tell from Dubya’s own words, being president is “hard work.” He reminded us of that 11 fucking times in the first debate.
And then he pouted. And pouted. And pouted.
Joke all you like about it, Mr. President, but you came off looking like the unprepared frat boy you are.
“Goodbye, cushy lead . . . “
3. When in doubt . . . call ‘em a liberal!
It’s sort of funny, really. For the past 20 years, the easiest and cheapest shot a Republican can take is to “expose” a Democrat’s liberal record.
It’s laughable, because most people are moderate. And, according to the uber-righties who sit at the foot of King Cheney’s throne know, if you are not all the way to the right then you must be squashed like a grape!
Unless you’re his gay daughter. Then you must leave her alone.
Busting out “the L word” is truly a gasping effort from a stumbling campaign. Hate to break it to you, all you narrow minded uber-righties (which makes up only a small percentage of conservatives), people are moderate. Yeah, they want lower taxes, but they don’t mind if the gay couple next door is married in the eyes of the law. And oh yeah, it’s the Democrats – not the Republicans – who are fighting the battle to protect privacy and civil liberties.
It’s 2004. Have we not yet realized that it doesn’t have to be a mono-culture? Isn’t it time to put away the “all liberals are evil” silliness?
4. Halliburton, and other delights
In the wake of the phony war in Iraq, Halliburton – right on schedule – was awarded no-bid contracts to rebuild the nation we just bombed. Remember where Dick Cheney worked before the Supreme Court appointed him Vice President? Yep, Halliburton.
The Republican Party isn’t even trying to hide their tracks anymore.
Just today, the FBI announced it’s probing the contracts.
You mean to tell me Dubya and Co. made sure their friends were taken care of? Get out of here!
5. Switch enemies mid-stream
After 9/11, Osama Bin Laden was Public Enemy #1. By the next State of the Union address, Saddam Hussein was elevated to the “axis of evil.” Huh? What?
Suddenly, Iraq (not Osama) was the prime target. Since then, we did capture Saddam. But the man who bombed the United States remains at large. And new enemies are gaining in popularity by the day (Zarqawi).
So let me get this straight: Osama kills 3,000 Americans and we go after the Fredo of the Middle East? Yeah, that makes sense.
6. When in doubt, make shit up!
Make no mistake, Bush wanted this war. But it’s not like he would mislead the American public into garnering support. Or is it?
Bush said Iraq was an imminent threat to the U.S. because it:
Had Weapons of Mass Destruction
Had Ties to Al Qaeda
Was involved in bombing us on 9/11
Since the topple of Baghdad, since “mission accomplished,” since Nick Berg, Daniel Pearl, and too many other names to list here were beheaded, coalition troops have:
NOT found WMD
NOT found ties to Al Qaeda
NOT found evidence of a link between Iraq and 9/11
In short, Bush is batting 0-for-3.
He lied.
He engineered intelligence to get his war and people were killed as a result.
Lots of blood on your hands, Mr. President.
The question should not be Why is this race tied? It should be: Why isn’t John Kerry kicking his ass?
Good question.
I suppose we’ll see how it plays out on Tuesday.
